Ends of March…

So today is Easter, and it’s been a long time since my last post. Things are… busy…ish? Like I’m still spending the majority of my daily hours in front of a computer screen, gaming or watching shows, but enough other stuff has been happening that the weeks seem to end much faster. It’s the last day of March, and I don’t know where the hell that month went.

Suddenly the counselors are chosen for the summer at camp, I go to Seattle to look at potential neighborhoods in about 10 days, I have an online First Responder course to get going on, and then I’m due up at my summer job on the 29th of April. Somewhere in there I’m supposed to appeal for tuition. Suddenly these things that I thought I had time for need to happen RIGHT NOW and some days that feels good, and some days it feels like I’m desperately wanting to press pause and tell the world WAIT wait wait – hold on – I’m still absorbing yesterday, I’m still absorbing this morning, I’m still dealing with 6 months ago stop stop STOP. I’m not ready! I’m okay with this having things to do every week but deadlines… christ, I was terrible with deadlines before, let alone now.

Still, it’s a bit different. The things that are happening are things I want. Things I’m motivated about: preparing for this summer’s camp season, preparing to move to Seattle, preparing for… some sort of fresh start. It’s much easier to reign in the panic when it’s things that will inevitably make me smile rather than the misery I was putting myself through with school, slogging through anxiety day after day, only to feel like a failure come finals and wanting to give everything up.

It has purpose. A degree technically would have had purpose too, but, well, I was too buried to see what it could possibly be at the time. I do better with something tangible, and while that’s near-sighted of me in the grand scheme of things, right now I need things to have direct results. I need to be able to do something, and see the difference I make – however minor – to give me more reasons to get up every morning and keep doing that thing.

You know, I thought this blog was going to have a lot more gaming nonsense on it than it has so far. I’ve got ideas for posts in my head but it’s hard to get myself to sit down and type. I used to have trouble because I always felt like as much as I wanted to journal, I wanted to talk to people or have fun or sleep (priorities, I has them) more. Now I know journaling is probably one of the more productive or healthy things I can do with my time – I mean, do I really need to watch the latest Project Runway right now? [If Michelle doesn’t win this season, I will curse Heidi Klum to break a stiletto.]

I want to talk about March, but it would be long involved so I will bullet-point the highlights:

  • Went up to the SLAC twice. The first week I tried there and back in one day – 4 hours of driving with my own thoughts left me drained and raw and lying on my parents’ couch like a zombie. But it was so good to do some work. Especially with my northern Wisconsin family.
  • The second visit was a bit of an ordeal, again, the work was amazing. Seeing Anne and Tara and Jill had me laughing and smiling and feeling less alone. But then I had to tell the girl who works at the Chinese place that ‘no, my brother wasn’t coming back this summer’ and why because she asked. And then I got a text that while super sweet had me blubbering to my poor dad while I lay on a hotel bed in a snow-storm, just wanting to be home so I could have a hug. Luckily the night ended with a talk with the college roomie – and not just pissing around in games and idly chatting, but real talking that ranged from crying to laughing so hard we were still crying and nostalgia and everything you could want in a conversation to remind you how glad you are to be as close to someone as you are your best friends.
  • Got the counselors sorted for this summer – it’s going to be hard without Ross. But I think we’ll have a good crew.
  • Impulsively bought and played the crap out of the new SimCity for pure childhood induced ‘but I need it’ reasons. It’s a good game, but it’s got its issues, and while I wasn’t AS enraged at EA for the entire release week debacle as some, it definitely put a damper on trying to enjoy it. I may regret forking over as much money as I did for it but I don’t regret having it, and I know it’ll be a game that I’ll go through phases with so overall, not bad.
  • Downloaded the Citadel DLC for Mass Effect. I hadn’t touched Mass Effect since October. It’s one of those game franchises that I love so much – probably my favorite, honestly – that I was terrified to touch it for a long time. There are a lot of reasons there, both because the game is emotional and the associations I have attached to it, but the DLC was such a fanservicey feel-good send off to the series that it’s brought me full circle and I’ve started YET ANOTHER play-through. If you want to know where a lot of my time went – boom, there it is.
  • Saw Jacob’s sisters for dinner. It’s been awhile. We started meeting up once in awhile after October and it’s… I don’t know. To say I enjoy it sounds weird, because they’re fun to hang out with of course, but the topic of conversation obviously isn’t 100% sunny in that way that is draining but I also feel like I really need whenever we talk. Cathartic. That’s a very good word for it. There’s a lot of things that are just ours to feel, as the sisters. It’s nice to share some of them, even if they differ slightly amongst the three of us.
  • New WoW Patch which means reason to be on my mage again and new dailies to do, but out of this came a semi-regular routine of talking with both Kevin and Alexa every night as we did them together, that it’s ALMOST enough to say I’ll miss doing them a bit now that I’ve maxed out the faction’s reputation.
  • I’ve started drawing and writing again. This should be a bigger deal than I’m making it. Mass Effect and Star Wars and dumb things like that, but it’s good. There was awhile where I felt like any art I was going to do needed to be the BIGGEST THING EVER and have MEANING and be DEDICATED TO ROSS and now I’ve realised that not only have I never done art that has Meaning with a capital M, but that I don’t think I could handle working on something that would be so painful to do for any length of time. Maybe one day. For now? Twi’lek jedi with exposed midriffs it is.
  • Went to the WCHA Hockey Games with my dad last weekend. It’s a tradition for us, we always have two seats and we rotate. Not only did the Badgers win the whole tournament, but it was a fun night out with him. I even got him to agree to give a couple videogames a try with me in the very near future.
  • Met with my high school band director for dinner. Was so good and so nice and so exhausting talking with someone who hasn’t been subject to my nightly ramblings as of late, but it was good. Mom really wanted me to find out things about the scholarships, so we can think about putting a band one together in Ross’s honor.

So that’s a lot, isn’t it? Maybe. Maybe not. It was basically one of these things, maybe two each week. But it’s amazing how little energy you have. One day out with someone and being social means the next three snuggled up at the parents’ and recuperating with bad television or thoughtless games. I don’t know how my parents do work every day. I don’t know how any of us are doing anything though, so it’s probably for the same reason that I’m still apparently a functional human being: because we have to.

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  1. ❤ All my love Meg. There are not enough words or actions I can share that will help heal and comfort you the way I wish I could. I still look back fondly on our year at Stetson. I honestly would never have stayed even that long if it hadn't been for you. I have been a failure at staying in touch with so many people but you have never stopped being an important person to me in this wild, scary, chaotic world.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3,
    Rebecca

    P.S.
    I will never forget sharing the experience of Paul McCartney singing Let It Be at the piano with a candle, gleefully taking in his brilliance & air from back of the stadium 🙂 “And when the night is cloudy, There is still a light that shines on me. Shine until tomorrow, let it be.”

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