Obsession with the details…

One thing I’ve noticed since Ross died is my obsession with wanting to record everything. Not for personal gain or youtube or whatnot, but I’ve been pouring every bit of media Ross saved or created outside of things that might be too personal. But I have these moments with my friends and I want to save them somehow. I used to be the person with the camera back in college for similar reasons – to me there’s never enough pictures. But since I lost Ross that compulsion is 50 times greater. What if I lost someone else? I want as much to remember them by as possible. What if they lost me? Memories are great, but I like details and I like to talk about them and remember them and argue about whether or not that car was orange or red (RED, DAD) and whether or not someone spoke to me first when we met or if it was the other way around.

My mom and dad’s group therapist said they should journal – something neither of them ever really do. But he said to focus on feelings, not details.

My gut reaction was immediately: what’s so bad about details? I know the emotions are there, the meaning of a memory doesn’t change if you can’t remember exactly how something was worded, but it’s been so satisfying, if emotional to go through recordings, or documented conversation. Some people – cough, my dad, cough – hate how so much of our lives (especially those of us in the ‘younger’ generation) are out there for the world to see and pick apart, but I’ve never been so grateful that some conversations with my brother are there, preserved for me to go look at and laugh at, and I canremember a tidbit I’d completely forgotten before. The fact that I can look up a dumb three sentence conversation he and I had on facebook over some ridiculous photo he shared, or that I can delve into the WoW armory and find out that he named the little Moonkin hatchling pet I bought him for his birthday one year “Humpy” makes things a little easier.

So lately this has manifested itself in me looking into recording software for games, for skype, for video, for my xbox. I have this dinky laptop that has issues overheating and here I am learning how to clean up noise on old skype DnD conversations I recorded in the spring, and dusting off the external terabyte hard drive Dad bought me a fair few years ago because it’s the only drive big enough to attempt any video storage. And I download game streaming software on the off-chance that my roomie from college wants to spend a night in watching me play The Sims of us all the way from New York like we did once in October. It’s giving me something to tinker with, if nothing else.

I just worry about the day that I’ll run out of things to find of Ross’s. Maybe I won’t. But it’s a scary enough thought that I hope my friends are okay with me being a creeper and recording Skype convos so I can listen later and just remember and laugh at us being idiots like I do whenever I find one of the little memories of Ross buried within the aether of the net.  And maybe it’s just a phase I need to go through, but the fact that I have always liked to do things like just leave a cheap videocamera on to record my friends and I while we do something like playing Cranium for an hour – something anyone else would find completely dull or tedious – even before Ross’s death, makes me think if I’m lucky enough to live a good long time, I’ll enjoy the details, even if no one else cares. And lately if I enjoy it? Then I’m doing it.

    • Emily
    • February 25th, 2013

    “There’s the truth of the signal. Everything goes somewhere and I go everywhere.”

  1. Creep away, my love, creep away.

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